The Fundamentals of Grief

Grief is an unfortunate reality. But we don’t like to talk about it. Possibly because so few of us understand grief and certainly because it makes most of us quite uncomfortable.

In my role as a Bereavement Counselor, there are certain themes that come up over and over again. I’ve internally labeled these themes as “the fundamentals of grief.” In other words, if we only have a couple of minutes together, these are the things you should know (feedback welcome).

Bereavement is the act of losing; we are bereaved of someone or something we love.

Grief is our natural emotional response to that loss.

Mourning is the public rituals we use to help process our grief (funerals, memorials, celebrations of life, wakes, etc.).

Grief is universal and unique.

Grief is something all of us will face. But no one will go through it in the same way. This means that there is no comparison and there is no timeline. No one will go through it in the same way or the same timeframe. No love is alike. No loss is alike.

Grief is not weakness. Grief is not a problem to be solved. Grief is not the enemy. And your grief does not need to be defended or explained. Grief is our natural emotional response to loss (bereavement).

Grief cannot be separated from, or be understood apart from love. Grief is evidence of our love (some say that grief is the price we pay for love). It is our love for someone special with nowhere left to go. It’s that feeling you get when you reach out for that someone special who has always been there, only to find that when you need them most, they’re no longer there.

Grief is our natural emotional response to that loss and change and grief can contain conflicting emotions at the same time. We might feel relief that our loved one is no longer suffering while also feeling angry about the way things turned out while also feeling sad and lonely, while also feeling joy remembering some of the times we had together; all at the same time. Since grief can contain conflicting emotions at the same time, it is often quite difficult to understand or make sense of.

Grief is an emotional process; not an intellectual process. Since grief is an emotional process, we cannot talk ourselves through it. There are no stages or steps to follow. Grief is not a problem to be solved. It is the emotional outworking of our love with nowhere left to go.

Emotions are energy.

We are holistic people. Since grief produces so many emotions (and since emotions are energy), grief can affect us physically. Some people report physical pain associated with their grief. Others will report “grief brain,” tending to forget things or report “fuzzy thinking.” Some people will report fatigue and sleep too much. Others will report anxiety and too little sleep. Some people will eat too much (usually for comfort) while others will report little to no appetite. Just as our emotional manifestations of grief will differ from those of other people, our physical responses will vary as well. No one will go through grief in the same way or in the same timeline.

There are no stages or steps. Eventually, those emotions; all that energy works itself out. The only way to get through grief is to grieve. The emotions will come and go like waves. Sometimes we’ll know what triggers them and sometimes we won’t. But grief is not the same thing as depression. Depression (as least as I’ve experienced it) does not lift whereas grief comes and goes and eventually subsides (though it may never completely go away).

There is much more to be said here, but these are the basic that I try to ensure everyone understands. What do you think? What would you add?

Wanda's Vision of Grief

Disney/Marvel’s WandaVision has cast the cultural spotlight on something we all experience but don’t want to talk about. The series takes place in the Marvel universe after the events of Endgame.

Wanda Maximoff’s brother has been killed in battle. Her Love, Vision (a synthezoid made from vibranium) is also gone. Through flashbacks we learn about the bombing-death of her parents as well as the traumatic experiences of her youth.

Without giving too much away, Wanda, like most of us, never has quite the time to process her trauma and go through her grief, you know, with saving the world and all. Each unresolved loss builds on the next until the heaviness feels suffocating. And in the last episode, we learn that Wanda’s grief exploded (literally) in an unconscious attempt to protect herself. As the episode unfolds, we are privileged to a conversation between Wanda and Vision. And everyone’s been talking about “that quote” from Vision. But before we get to that, let’s set some context.

Grief is our natural reaction to any significant loss or change. Grief is an emotional process; our emotional response to that loss or change. Since it is an emotional process, not an intellectual process, we can’t talk our way out of it and there are not “logical steps” to be done. Instead, we must go through it; we must allow those emotions to run their course. And we must remember that emotions are energy.

And, when we lose someone we love, we can narrow our definition of grief even further because grief is inextricably tied to love. Grief is evidence of love. Grief is that feeling we get when we reach out for a special person when we need them the most, only to find that they’re no longer there. Grief is that love for someone special with nowhere left to go.

Or, as Vision so eloquently puts it: “what is grief, if not love persevering?”

Our relationship with our loved one doesn’t end. It just changes. Our relationship doesn’t end because our love doesn’t end. And grief is the outworking of that love with nowhere left to go; it is our emotions trying to work themselves out. Grief is us trying to make sense of what do with that love since its object is gone, and how to work through the resulting emotions.

I am thankful that a show with such a large platform is willing to openly wrestle with grief. It is something we will all go through, but it is something our culture doesn’t talk about. We don’t know what to say to someone grieving, and their outpour of emotion, so we either try to avoid them, offer empty platitudes, offer them a “fix,” or decide that it’s a good time to talk about ourselves. But if grief is the outworking of love, then certainly we can love each other enough to create safe spaces for one another to work through our grief.

WandaVision reminds us that we are not alone in our grief; and forces us each to ask what lengths we would go to had we the powers. Thankfully, WandaVision has helped bring this discussion to the light. Now it’s up to us to continue the conversation.